Surgery, Weight Loss, and Insecurities

I've been in denial about a lot of things for a really long time. The biggest denial of my life is my weight. I like to think of myself as a health obese. There' s no such thing but since all my blood work is good, my levels fine and I only deal with occasional colds, flus, and poly cystic ovarian syndrome I consider myself healthy, and even have a doctor who has told me so. The problem is the words healthy and obese do not go together and I knew someday it would catch up to me.

I weigh 227 pounds, that's my fasting weight, or at least it was on September 13, 2012 when I went into the hospital for surgery. No it was not weight loss surgery, though I wish it had been then I wouldn't have a good reason to be paranoid. It was for gall stones which led to the need to have my gall bladder removed. At the ripe young age of 31, I had to have an organ removed because of my crappy, high fat diet. Since high school I have bounced around this weight, only really going higher after having my son. Then I got terrified of the number on the scale, and vanity broke through my new mom haze and I weight watchered my way back down. Then I plateau here and I stick. Why? Because I'm lazy. There has to be a way to break this spell this weight has on me and now I think I found it.

Since having my surgery scheduled I have been regaled by friends and family with their own stories about this wonderful little organ being removed. They all seem to end with "Now I can't eat ______ because I have to find a bathroom really fast." These foods range from eggs, to spaghetti sauce, fruits, dairy, and even someone can't stomach bagels. I have never had a problem with food in my life! I would not be the curvy, sexy mama I am if I did. So come surgery day I knew there had to be a change.

I was given a piece of paper when I was diagnosed, it gave me a list of foods to eat, and foods to avoid which were supposed to keep my from having any more attacks from my gall bladder. I then spent the next few weeks eating everything on the DO NOT EAT side of the list. Fatty, greasy, huge meals. Anything I could get my hands on because I knew in a few short weeks it was all going to be over. Now that time has come. Thankfully I spent so much time eating everything I was not supposed to (miraculously without gaining 50 pounds) that I made myself so tired of those foods that I no longer crave them. For now.

So now just a few days post surgery I am faced with my new diet. Low fat, somewhat bland, and oh so easy to stay within the calorie count given to me by my weight tracker. I am at this point finding it easier to stay below that number then I ever thought possible. All this because I am scared. Finally I am scared of dying, scared of the weight, scared of the future. I don't like feeling this way, I don't like being scared of the what ifs. I don't deal with what ifs, I deal with the reality of what is.

At this point, I have to deal with a surgery which could lead to bowel troubles if I am not careful, So I am reading my list, checking it twice, or three times to ensure I am not straying and this time I am going to shine a light on my own insecurities and since shadows can not live where there is light I will prevail.

It's sunday. I have a million things I should be doing, laundry, cleaning, packing, homework, walking the dog, ect. What am I doing instead? Writing this and chatting it up with my amazing cousin in Germany. She is... well I can't quite think of a word that describes her well enough.

Katie lives in Germany, her husband is in the Army and they are stationed there, he's currently in Iraq again and she is basically all alone out there. Despite that she never whines or bitches or moans (too much) about it. She is so strong, she just pulls herself up and moves on. I've never in my life met anyone else as strong as she is. To be totally mushy she is an inspiration to me and should be to everyone.

On top of that she has this great sense of humor! A little whacked out but great. She's also a kick butt mom, a great listener and gives the best advice. She's just so cool and I am so lucky I know her.

So in the spirit of my new years resolutions to do what I should be doing instead of what I want to be doing I am going to end this, and head out to work on homework until my kiddo is done with his cartoon. Then we are off to clean! Oh goody!